Mama Diaries

Thursday, August 21, 2014

The Klutz Alarm

I don't function very well at 5:00 in the morning.  This morning was a particularly bad start.  By 5:13 AM, I had broken a bowl, spilled yogurt all over my kitchen floor, dropped two spoons, and caused a bottle of Coke to fall out of my refrigerator on to the floor. (I made a mental note not to open that bottle.  But of course by 5:00 tomorrow morning, I will have forgotten my mental note.)

Being completely discombobulated, I neglected to awaken my son at the appropriate time.  Fortunately, the breaking and dropping of things was enough of a commotion to awaken him from his deep slumber.

He came downstairs, rubbing his eyes. "Mama, why didn't you come and wake me up?"

"Bubba, I don't think I need to.  You're already up."

He stared at me on my hands and knees, cleaning up the last of the yogurt.  "Yeah," he said.  "You're right.  The klutz alarm went off!"

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

The Foot and the Dog

I came home last night from teaching, and saw something very strange.  My daughter was holding a jar of peanut butter in one hand, and a spoon loaded with the nutty stuff in the other. The spoon was being licked by none other than our hundred pound German Shepherd, Schultz.

"What's going on here?" I asked.  I couldn't believe he was being fed peanut butter right out of the jar.

"Schultz got hurt, and I'm trying to make him feel better," my daughter said.

"Exactly what happened?" I asked.  I had a feeling this was going to be good.

"Bubba (my son) was stomping around the house, not paying attention.  Schultz was lying down in the stair landing in the dark, having a nap,  and Bubba stomped on him. Poor Schultzy yiped really loud!"

I could just imagine.  

My daughter continued. "So we gave Schultzy lots of ice cubes and peanut butter, so he knows we still love him."

I'm happy to report that Schultz has suffered no lasting effects from his meeting with Bubba's foot.  Let's hope it doesn't happen, again, because I don't want to have to keep buying new jars of peanut butter!

Monday, August 18, 2014

Fashionable Mama

I was attempting to clean my teenage daughter's room this morning, when I noticed a familiar-looking sun dress on the floor.  I went over and picked it up.  Isn't this mine? I thought.  Then I saw a sweater on the ground.  It looked familiar, too.  What's going on, here?

I went downstairs and asked my daughter how my articles of clothing ended up on her floor.

"I went through your closet and found some things I want to wear for school," she explained.  "I have another of your sun dresses, too.  I'm wearing it tomorrow."

Oh.  "Okay," I said.  "But I thought you didn't like my style."

She shrugged.  "It's okay. Sometimes.  And besides, the dresses fit me."

I see.  So maybe Mama is fashionable after all!

Friday, August 15, 2014

Underdeveloped Brain

Last night, I was helping my ten-year-old son with his homework.  He had math problems to solve.  Afterwards, he had to locate the answers in a number find (similar to those word find games).

For some reason, he was having difficulty locating the numbers.  I showed him how to do a search pattern, but he was still stumped on quite a few of them.  "I need help, Mama!"

I looked over his shoulder.  "Which ones can't you find?"

He pointed to the numbers.

I found them very easily.  "If I was able to find these in less than three seconds, why weren't you able to find them?" I asked.

He looked at me very seriously and said, "Because I'm a kid.  And I have an underdeveloped brain."

Thursday, August 14, 2014

The Embarrassing Mama

It is my job to embarrass my kids as much as possible.  My teenage daughter has informed me that I am an expert.  Most of the time, I embarrass them by just being myself, which according to my daughter, is weird.  Yesterday, I embarrassed her by chewing my food too many times.  Never mind that it was just me and my kids at the dinner table.  (And why was she watching me chew a piece of food?  Isn't that weird?)

The real winner was when I went into school to meet her teacher.  Being the somewhat friendly person that I am, I struck up a conversation with her.  The teacher asked me questions, and I answered in complete sentences.  That apparently was not a cool thing to do.

"Mom, why did you have to answer like that?  You could've just given a one word answer, or said, 'yes' or 'no.'"

"But I always answer in complete sentences," I replied.  "What's wrong with that?"

"It's so embarrassing!"

Uh.  Like.  Okay.


Wednesday, August 13, 2014

How to Repopulate the World with Dinosaurs

I know you're all sitting on the edge of your chairs for this one.  Try not to fall off when I tell you how to have your very own pet dinosaur.

On the walk back from the school bus yesterday, I had a very enlightening conversation with my ten-year-old son.  He and his buddy wish to repopulate the world with dinosaurs.

"Mama, I know how to create dinosaurs using chicken eggs and DNA."

I looked at that kid.  "Really?  How?"

"First you get some dinosaur DNA."

I wrinkled my brows.  "How exactly are you going to get dinosaur DNA?  Dinosaurs have been extinct for millions of years."

"It's easy, Mama.  You find a dinosaur tooth or a dinosaur egg, and you extract it."

Okay. Never mind that those things are fossilized rocks now.

"Then what do you do?" I asked.

"Then you extract the chicken DNA from the egg and replace it with the dinosaur's"

"Sounds so simple," I said.  "And you can do that without breaking the egg?"

"Yes, Mama.  Scientist do it all the time."

"Extract chicken DNA and replace it with dinosaur DNA?"

"No.  They extract and insert chicken DNA to modify chickens."


So ladies and gentlemen, if you look out the window and see a triceratops pruning the trees in your backyard, you know who to thank.

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Cold Shower

This morning, at the crack of dawn, I dragged my son to the bus stop.  It was his first day back after summer break.  None of us were too pleased to be standing there in the dark. (Yes, the bus comes before the sun rises, which in my opinion, is absolutely ridiculous!)

We stood, patiently waiting.  But then something happened.  We heard a swish sound, and a nano second later, the sprinkler system at the entrance of our neighborhood came on, dousing us with cold water.

"What the heck!" I said, quickly dodging the sprinkler before I got even wetter.

Bubba, who wasn't nearly as wet as me, laughed.  "It's your morning shower, Mama!  Now you can start your day, clean and shiny!"