Mama Diaries

Friday, August 1, 2014

A Present for the Mama

"Mama," my ten-year-old son said this morning. "Happy Birthday!"

"Why thank you," I said.  "Nice of you to remember!"

"I have something for you," he announced.

"Really?"  I asked.  "What is it?"

"A masterpiece."  Bubba presented me this lovely picture:


"It's a portrait of you, Mama!"

"It's beautiful," I said.  "I'm going to frame it and put it in the Louvre next to the Mona Lisa!"

Then my daughter came in and modified it (with Bubba's permission), so that now looks like this:

(If you look very closely, you can see that the face in the portrait is wearing contacts, just like me.)

Aren't my kids talented?

Now I'm going to go eat this cake that my daughter made:

And then I'm going to eat the one my husband is making.

And then I'm going to stop eating cake, and go on a diet!

Thursday, July 31, 2014

Good Advice

"Mama," my ten-year-old son said.  "I have some good advice for you."

"Oh yeah?" I said.  "What?"

"Never jump out of an airplane that somebody is living in."

I tried not to laugh.  "Okay.  Why wouldn't you want to do that?"

He gave me the explanation.  "I saw this on the show, Ten Major Fails.  A man sky dived out of an airplane that his friend was living in, and Coke cans got stuck in his parachute.  The parachute didn't open when he jumped."

I tried to visualize this situation.  I couldn't really imagine how that would've happened, but I guess stranger things have occurred.  "So what did the guy do?" I asked.

"He activated his backup.  But that one ended up having a hole in it."

"That sounds bad," I said.

"Lucky for him, he had a burrito."

"A burrito?  How did a burrito help him?"  I couldn't imagine where this story was going.

"He used the tortilla part to cover the hole."

I raised my eyebrows and nodded.  "Did he land safely?"

Bubba shook his head.  "No.  He crashed through a glass ceiling into his high school reunion."

"You're kidding, right?"  This sounded like the biggest fish tale ever.

Bubba shook his head.  "No.  I'm serious.  He wanted to make a big entrance."

 A big entrance, indeed!

So, ladies and gentlemen, here is the profound bit of advice I got out of that conversation:  If you ever jump out of an airplane, make sure it's not one somebody is living in, don't land on a building, and make sure you have a burrito with you.  It could save your life!


Tuesday, July 29, 2014

The Last Water Balloon

My kids and their friends decided to have a water balloon fight with all of the unused balloons that had been lying around my house from all of the birthday parties.  They filled up about thirty of them and hauled them outside.  They had a great time whipping them at each other, getting wet.  Even our German Shepherd, Schultz, got in on the action.

After about twenty minutes of playing, there was only one balloon left.  And my son, Bubba, had it.  "I know who this is for," he announced.  He eyeballed his sister.

He took it in both hands and was about to launch it in her direction, when it suddenly splattered all over him.  He was soaked, because of course, it was the biggest balloon.

Everyone laughed.

"Yeah, Bubba," I said.  "We all knew who that was for.  You!"

Monday, July 28, 2014

The Tooth Fairy Returns

You may remember a couple of months ago, that my son was going to conduct an experiment regarding the tooth fairy.  He wasn't going to tell me when he lost his loose tooth.  He was just going to stick it under his pillow and see if the fairy showed up.  His theory was that I was not the tooth fairy.  Because the tooth fairy was real.

I was very concerned that I would miss this big event.  Well, I didn't have to worry.  Two nights ago, after I tucked him into bed, he came running out of his room.  "Mama, my tooth fell out!"

Good, I thought.  This is going to be easy.

We found the tooth fairy pillow, which had been tucked away for several years, and placed the tooth inside the pocket.

That night, the tooth fairy paid a visit.

The next morning, when I was making breakfast, Bubba came downstairs.  He was holding some cash in his hand.  He looked at me and grinned.  "Thanks for the money, Mama!"

So much for the tooth fairy!

Sunday, July 27, 2014

World's Ugliest Birthday Cake

Yesterday was Bubba's tenth birthday.  To celebrate the occasion, I baked him a cake.  A Minecraft cake, since the boy is totally obsessed with the game.

I wasn't quite sure how to do it, but I figured it would have to have to be squarish in shape, have square pixels thingies, and have many layers that look like they had been crafted. I put on my thinking cap and baked a couple of cakes.  I cut  them up into smaller squares and made some layers.  Then I cut up chocolate candy pieces, fashioning them into square pixel looking thingies.  When I was finished, I showed my masterpiece to my son.  "What do you think?"

He looked at it and scratched his head.  "What is it?"

"Isn't it obvious?"  I asked.  "It's a mountain biome from Minecraft."  

He nodded slowly.  "Yeah. It kind of looks like that.  But I think it looks more like a mushroom biome.  You need to add some grass."

I took the kid's advice and made some green grass with the frosting.  I slopped it on at the base of the mountain.

"There.  Is that better?"  I asked.

"Yeah.  But it still looks like an epic disaster.  Here.  Let me fix it."  The kid grabbed some sugar numbers and applied them to the cake:  9 1 1.  "It's an emergency situation.  It's calling for help."

I scowled at the kid.  "Fine.  I'll go get help." I went down into the basement and found a Lego Princess Leah.  I brought her upstairs and placed her on the cake. "There.  Now it's fixed!"

(Unfortunately, Bubba did not agree.  He named my creation, "The Ugliest Cake in the World."  But it sure was good!)

Here it is:

Thursday, July 24, 2014

Laundered Money

I never check the pockets of my family's pants before I throw them into the wash.  I expect them to do that.  Maybe that's expecting too much.  Yesterday, I found all of the contents of my husband's wallet strewn across the kitchen table.  And of course, everything was wet.

My husband walked into the room.  "Woman, when are you going to stop laundering money?"

I shrugged.  "Either when you start emptying your pockets, or when the police come and take me away.  Whichever comes first!"

So, ladies and gentlemen. If I suddenly disappear from the blogosphere, you know that I have been caught and thrown in the brig for all of my shenanigans!

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Be cool. Stay in school.

I'll share one more story from the recent road trip Bubba and I took.  This one involves a little incident at a Subway restaurant (different from the one in front of the Georgia Winery).

Once again, I was overtired.  I had been driving from Atlanta to Cincinnati for over twelve hours, in the rain. (Which I can't say was a lot of fun.)  And you know, when I'm overtired, I do crazy things (see last post).

When I saw the Subway sign, I knew it was time to stop.  We ordered our meals, sat down and began to eat.  The radio was playing.  Soon I was bobbing my head to the beat.  Next song was one from the movie, Pitch Perfect.  Needless to say, I couldn't keep still.  After being cooped up in a car for twelve hours, I had to move.  Dancing was the thing to do.  I busted a move.  Pretty soon Bubba got in the groove.  We looked like a couple of lunatics dancing at our table.  I'm sure the worker behind the counter was most amused.

A couple of old ladies happened to be at the counter, ordering their meals.  They saw Bubba and me.  (They pretended not to be amused, but I could tell they were loving it.)  On their way out, one of the ladies said, "Hey kiddos, stay in school!"

I looked at Bubba.  He looked at me.

"Kiddos?"  I said.  "Did she just call me a kiddo?"

"Yeah, Mama.  You're a kiddo.  Even though you're old, you act like a kiddo.  So you should act your age, or stay in school!"

Yes, sir!