Mama Diaries

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Neck Cramp

My son came home from school yesterday all proud of himself.  "I was good today, Mama.  Look!  I even got a roach!"  He held up a plastic orange and yellow beetle.

"Great, Bubba!  What did you do that was so good?"

"I paid real close attention to my teacher."

I nodded.  "You should do that every day."

He shook his head.  "I don't think I can, Mama.  I had to move my head everywhere she went to keep an eye on her.  And now I have a neck cramp!"

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Mascara Mustache

The other day, my daughter had a sleepover with one of her friends.  And as is usually the case, the girls got a little crazy.  When my daughter came out of her room to ask me something, I hardly recognized her.  Bright red lipstick, sloppily applied, covered her lips, making her look like a clown.  She also wore heavy glitter eye shadow along with some odd, black markings scribbled on her face.

"What the heck did you do to your face?" I asked, hardly able to believe that the creature standing in front of me was my offspring.

"I made it look like a combination of Kei$ha and Taylor Swift.  Don't I look like them?"  (For those of you who are unfamiliar with these characters, they are pop music stars.  Taylor likes to wear bright red lipstick, and Kei$ha - well, she's just about as odd as her name.)

"You bear a striking resemblance," I said. "But what's with the black mustache? Did you use a Sharpie marker on your face?"

She looked at me like I was crazy.  "Mom, why would I use a Sharpie marker on my face?  Everybody knows you use mascara to draw on your face!"

Right.  Silly me.  A mascara mustache!        

Monday, April 14, 2014

Lemonade Stand

Lemonade stands seem to be a part of just about every kid's childhood.  It was no exception for my kids.  When my daughter was five, she had her first one.  We used a large cooler for the table, covered it with a tablecloth, and set up shop.  Traffic was good on our street.  Every time a car passed, my daughter would shout at the top of her little five-year-old voice, "Lemonade, lemonade!  Come and get your ice-cold lemonade!"

And since people happened to be very nice in that neighborhood, they all stopped.   Even the mailman, who was on a walking route, stopped.  (We gave him a free one.)  After an hour of being out in the hot summer sun, we poured the last cup and closed shop.

"How much money did we make, Mom?" my daughter asked when we came back in the house.

I counted the coins. "Twenty-one dollars and twenty-five cents!"

At twenty-five cents a cup, I'd say that was the best we ever did, and it was an experience neither of us will ever forget!

(Now my son sets up lemonade stands.  The sales aren't as good as they were for my daughter almost ten years ago.  He has to get resourceful by going around to the neighbor's houses and ringing their doorbells.  I guess times have changed!)  

Saturday, April 12, 2014

Kitchen Music

The other day, my daughter and I were making cookies.  My daughter was in charge of operating the mixer.  She began at a low speed and then moved up to a higher speed.  In the process, she started a little rhythm.  She played around with it and started bobbing her head.

Hmm. I thought. This could get interesting. I grabbed a wooden spoon and started my own rhythm on the mixing bowl.  We had a real groove going.

Then my son came in.  Of course he wanted to get in on the action, so he grabbed a couple of stainless steel spoons and started clanging them together.  It was complete cacophony.

"Bubba, what are you doing?" my daughter asked.

"Same thing you are," he said.  "Making noise!"

Friday, April 11, 2014


In case you haven't figured it out, there's a lot of silliness that goes on at my place.  My kids (and husband) are a bunch of jokers.  Here's a story from about three years ago that happened on April Fools Day.

My kids had the brilliant idea to pull a prank on our neighbors.  "Do you have empty boxes and packaging tape?" my son asked.

"Why?" I asked, growing suspicious.

"You'll see."

My son and daughter wrapped four empty boxes with packaging tape and affixed a label with my neighbor's address on it. Then they marched over to my neighbor's house, dropped the "packages" in front of her door, rang the doorbell and took off.

I just shook my head.  I would've liked to have seen my neighbor's face after opening up that special delivery!

Thursday, April 10, 2014

I Spy

One of my kids' favorite games to play when we're trying to pass time, is "I Spy."  For those not familiar with it, what happens, is one person says, "I spy something yellow."  (Or blue, or round, or soft, etc.)  And the other person has to look around and figure out what it is.

Yesterday, my son and I were at the doctor's office.  And as usually is the case, the doctor was running late.  So we began a game of "I Spy."

We did a few rounds.  Then it was my son's turn, again.  "I spy something orange."

I looked around.  The only orange things I saw were the orange dots on the carpet.  "The orange spots on the carpet," I said.

"Which one?" he asked.

"What do you mean, which one?  There are thousands here!"

"Guess which one!"

I pointed to several on the floor around us. None of them were it.  Finally I gave up.  "Which one is it?" I asked.

"The one under your shoe!"

I lifted my foot.

"That one," he said, pointing to an orange dot that had been under my foot the entire time.

"Wait a minute," I said.  "You could not have possibly spied that particular spot, because it wasn't in your field of vision!"

"But Mama, I have X-ray vision.  I can see everything - even if it's under your foot!"  

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Humpty Dumpty

This story goes back to when my daughter was about three years old - more than ten years ago.  Ancient history.  I used to read my kids nursery rhymes when they were that age, so of course they knew all about Little Miss Muffet, Little Boy Blue, and Humpty Dumpty.

My daughter had a particular affinity to Humpty Dumpty. Perhaps it was because of her stuffed Humpty Dumpty which she slept with every night.  Anyway, she was not very happy when she learned that Humpty fell off a wall and could not be repaired.

One day, as she was driving with her grandparents and discussing the plight of Humpty, she burst into tears.

"What's wrong?" Grandpa asked. "Humpty isn't real.  It's just a story."

"But Grandpa, he is real. And nobody ever called 911.  They just left him there to die."

Poor Humpty!