Mama Diaries

Friday, December 31, 2010

Head Adjustment

"Mama, your head is on backwards," my son said as he arranged my long hair over my face. (No comments on that comment, please.)


"Yeah. Your face is on the back of your head, and your ears are on the wrong way."

"What should I do about this?" I asked.

"Shake your head like a dog."

I shook my head like a dog.

"No, shake it three times like a dog."

My head was starting to hurt after that. "How's that?" I asked.

"Your head is still on backwards. Better try shaking it five times."

"How's that?" I asked after feeling like my neck had major whiplash.

"Um, now you look like an angry Mama."


Thursday, December 30, 2010

Dirty Dog

It's raining outside. I didn't feel like going out with the dog today. So I let him run around outside by himself. I don't know what I was thinking. Maybe I thought a dog could stay relatively clean and return just a little wet. I was wrong.

That fifteen week old beast came galloping through the door, not only wet, but covered in mud. He shook himself, and mud went flying all over the kitchen walls. He scratched at the garbage can and got mud all over that. Muddy paw prints covered the kitchen floor. And wherever he sat, there oozed puddles of mud. Did I mention the stench? Wet dogs are bad enough. Muddy wet dogs are simply unbearable. I thought I would vomit.

I attempted to wipe the beast with a warm wet cloth. The beast was more interested in playing tug. So now the beast sits by the back door drying off while I sit here trying to figure out how I'm going to get him upstairs to give him a bath without causing permanent damage to my house.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Movie Mayhem

This afternoon I took my kids to the movies. It was one of those 3-D productions, so we got the funky glasses to go along with the tickets. Of course my kids also wanted some snacks.

"Two Kid's Combos please," I requested. It took a few minutes to receive those.

"Mama, can you hold this?" my son asked as he handed me his kid combo.

"Mama can you hold this?" my daughter asked as she handed me her 3-
D glasses. (Why do kids think their moms have as many arms as an octopus?)

We found our seats in the theater, and somehow I managed to allocate everything without dropping even so much as a popcorn kernel.

My son put on his 3-D glasses. They looked really big on his little face. I put on my 3-D glasses. They looked really small on my big face.

"Buddy," I said. "Let's switch glasses. I think I got your kid glasses."

We switched. Of course he had managed to get his buttery popcorn hands all over the lenses. When I put them on, the right lens was a mess. I couldn't get it cleaned either. So I watched the movie out of blurry 3-D glasses.

And then my daughter spilled her popcorn all over the floor.

Oh well. These are the joys of motherhood.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Out of the Mouths of Babes

Normally I wouldn't share stupidity like this, but the way my six-year-old son worded his comment was rather amusing.

"Mom," my son called. "I need you more than my sister needs you."

"Why do you need me more than your sister needs me?"

"Because I clogged the toilet with a putrid dump."

(Indeed he did, with about a half a roll of toilet paper!)

Monday, December 27, 2010


Wasn't it Christmas just two days ago? Didn't my kids just get a whole bunch of presents? Wasn't Hanukkah earlier this month? Didn't they get enough presents then? Will someone please tell me then, why the first words out of their mouths this morning were, "Mom, I'm bored!"

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Cookie Hiding Place Revealed

All right. Here it is: the secret hiding place for my delectable chocolate chip cookies. Actually, there were two places, just because I don't like to put all of my eggs in one basket.

Location number one: in the appliance garage on the kitchen counter. My husband never uses the mixer, so I figured that was a pretty safe place.

Location number two: in the basement on a shelf behind paint cans. I didn't think he'd be doing any painting projects. I was right.

If you see my husband, don't tell him! I may have to do it again next year!

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Christmas Capers

First of all, Merry Christmas! At the time of this writing, it is now late in the evening of December 25th.

Let me tell you about my day. It began with the usual inspection of presents under the tree (which occurred at 1:30 AM). (My kids aren't very good about waiting for the sun to rise, so Santa has to stop at my house before midnight.)

After breakfast, the kids and I made popcorn garland to string on the trees outside. That was fine, until the dog decided that popcorn garland looked mighty tastey. He jumped up, snagged a string, and proceeded to devour it. Of course, we had to grab that from him, because dogs can't digest popcorn. That was fun.

Next project: Making the Gingerbread House. I usually make a "gingerbread house" out of graham crackers and cake frosting. This year something possessed me to buy one of those fancy kits complete with Willy Wonka candy.

I squirted the packet of icing onto the panels of the house and attempted to "glue" them together. That was a good trick, since the icing was a little on the runny side. I finally got the house together. Then it was time to add the details. Here's how that went:

"Mommy, frost the roof."

"Mommy the wall is falling down."

"Mommy the roof is sliding off."

"Mommy add more icing."

"Mommy the front caved in."

"Mommy, the whole house fell down."

Ugh. Sorry kids. Better luck next year. (Note to self: Use cake frosting instead of icing to assemble the house.)

Finally, my son came running into my room.

"Mommy, come quick!"



I looked. "What the heck is in your sister's hair?" I said looking at the glob of pink stuff that was plastered in her hair.


Yeah. Flarp (aka: noisy putty) from Santa. What was Santa thinking?

So I spent the rest of the day getting Flarp out of my daughter's hair.


Friday, December 24, 2010

Cookie Monster Strikes Again

Some of you may be wondering if my husband found the cookies I hid. No he did not. ( I will tell you where I hid them tomorrow, after I make the last cookie tray for my dad.) He did however, find the cookies my students gave me as gifts. I received a dozen mint chocolate chip cookies from one student. I had one. My kids each had one. That left nine in the bag.

This morning the bag was empty, along with the five of my special chocolate chip cookies that I had rationed for him. So let's see, that's fourteen cookies.

Later, he found the cookie tin one of my students had given me. He ate all the chocolate chip cookies out of that one (about five cookies).

My daughter wanted to sample some of those cookies.

"Mom, Daddy ate all the cookies again!" she said, very disappointed.

And you wonder why I had to resort to hiding the cookies!

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Edible Cookies?

Today we made Christmas cutout cookies. I rolled out the dough and shaped it. It was my kids' job to decorate them. When I was a kid, I was very neat and artistic. Santa always had eyeballs, and brown boots. I think I may have even added candy buttons on his suit.

My kids definitely don't take after me on the details of cookie decorating. I put out all of the sprinkles and decorations. What did they do? They picked only the green sprinkles and poured them all over the cookie pan. Sure, it was quick, and sure, some did get on the cookies, but I think more ended up on the tray.

"Do you think anyone is going to want to eat these?'" my six-year-old son asked.

"Yeah. You probably will."

I put the cookies on the counter. The dog smelled them. He jumped up and nearly pulled the tray off of the counter.

"Make that you and the dog!"

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Bad Dog

Our 14 week old German Shepherd puppy was very mischievous today. He nipped at everybody, he barked more than was acceptable, he bit the cat's tail, he destroyed the cat's shelter, he terrorized the dogs next door, he wouldn't follow commands, and he had an accident on the kitchen floor.

"Mommy, that doggy is bad!" said my son. "He's going to get coal in his stocking!"

"If he keeps it up, he most certainly will!" I replied.

"Oh, if he gets coal, can I have it?"

"Um, sure. Why?"

"I like collecting rocks."

Monday, December 20, 2010

Hiding the Cookies

Before I tell you that story, I have to tell you this story:

A couple of years ago (or maybe longer than that), I made a huge batch of my delectable chocolate chip cookies. I make them only once a year, because they are rather addictive. Anyway, I made these cookies and put them away in the freezer to distribute at Christmas. Now, we're talking about 120 cookies. When I went in the freezer, I pulled out the container and opened it. To my surprise, all 120 cookies were gone. In their place was a note from my husband that read, "Num, Num, Num."

Every year I have tried to make my cookies a few days before Christmas, so that at least most of the cookies are still there. This year, I simply don't have time to make a couple batches of those cookies, or even make them at a later time. So this year, I got smart. I hid them.

Now, I know my husband needs his cookies, so I made him a batch of those Betty Crocker Oatmeal Chocolate Chip cookies. My friend said they were good. My husband grabbed one after dinner.

'These aren't your cookies!" he exclaimed. "Where are your cookies?" (He knew I had already made them.)

"They're hiding!"


"I'm not telling!"

Then my husband started to take all of the frozen meat and vegetables out of the freezer.

"Woman, where are those cookies?"

"I'm not telling!"

Hee Hee.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Vet Visit

Today we had to take the cat and the dog to the vet. Let me tell you about that.

The dog went in one room. The cat went into the other.

The dog was first. He had to get his kennel cough vaccination which is a spray up the nose. Well, the doctor sprayed, and the dog sneezed -all over the doctor's glasses.

After the dog was done, he went back to the waiting room, where he promptly peed all over the floor. Ugh!

Then it was the cat's turn. Well, the cat had a tapeworm piece stuck to his rear end. That wasn't good. So he got a shot for the tapeworm infestation. Then they took a stool sample. When they brought him back to the room, he let out a huge fart that stunk so bad I thought I'd vomit.

The doctor proceeded to inspect the fecal samples of both animals. "Mom, there are three doctors inspecting the poop!" my son exclaimed.

"Must be a lot of poop to inspect," I replied.

The doctor came back with the report: "The dog is fine. The cat has round worms."


Meanwhile the cat let out another stinky fart. This time it stunk up the entire office.

Someone made the comment, "That cat sure has problems!"


So now I've paid over a thousand dollars for that darn stray cat, and then he went and pooped in the crate. Some thanks I got! Peeeeeeew!!!!

Friday, December 17, 2010

Puff Mobile

Every Friday I volunteer in my daughter's classroom. I never know what I'm going to find. As I walked down the hall, I noticed a group of kids crawling on their hands and knees blowing on contraptions that looked like sailboats on wheels.

"What's going on here?" I asked.

"We're having puff mobile races," one of the kids replied.

I got down for a closer look.

The contraptions were made of bendy-straws, pins, life savers (for the wheels), and a sheet of notebook paper (for the sail).

"Cool," I said.

It made me wish I was a third grader again! ( I may have to try making one of those at home.)

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Mario Mania

"Mommy, can you play the Mario theme on your violin?"


"You know..." The little guy belted out the tune in his nice six-year-old voice.

"Hold on," I said. "Let me get the violin."

Somehow I managed to produce the tune, not quite perfectly, but good enough for the little guy.

A little while later he came in holding some styrofoam concoction with a pencil going through it.

"What the heck is this?" I asked.

"A Mario propellor hat."


Even at school, he draws Mario pictures all over his papers. I think it's an obsession. I don't know if I should laugh or be worried.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Cookie Cramp

I think I'm going to be sick. I have this terrible habit of sampling all the cookies I make. I've been baking a lot of cookies (tis the season!). Three batches were made just today.

Here's what else happened today: a cookie exchange. You know what that meant - I had to sample everybody else's cookies.

So let me see, I think I've eaten about seventeen cookies today. No, make that eighteen. Ugh! No wonder my tummy doesn't feel so good!

Monday, December 13, 2010

Shoveling Snow

It's that time of year again, when the fluffy white stuff falls from the sky. It has a nasty habit of accumulating in the driveway, making it difficult to traverse to and fro. Today was one of those days where the handy dandy shovel had to come off the hook in the garage and be put to use.

As I toiled outside, my six-year-old son decided to join in the fun. He grabbed the kid shovel and began doing his thing. What was his thing? Getting a load of the white stuff on his shovel and flinging it high into the air.

"Look, mommy. I'm making it snow!"

Gee kid, thanks!

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Carrot Sandwich

"Who wants to make lunch today?" I asked my kids.

"I do!" they both shouted in unison.

"Okay," I said. "Go make some lunch."

My daughter made normal ham and cheese sandwiches for my husband, herself, and her brother. I had the honor of being given my six-year-old son's concoction.

I looked at the sandwich. I touched the bread. It seemed stale. "Um, did you microwave the bread?" I asked.

"No," he replied. That was good, because I didn't want him using the microwave yet! "I toasted it."

I opened up the sandwich. There were about a dozen mini carrots inside. A carrot sandwich! This delectable delight was served with a side of goldfish crackers swimming in ranch dressing. Would you believe, it was actually good!

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Culinary Disasters

Today was Christmas cookie baking day. Fortunately, that wasn't a disaster. Here's what was the disaster:

As I worked on creating cookies, my daughter decided to do a little cooking of her own. She pulled out the blender, some yogurt and an assortment of vegetables. "Mommy don't look," she said.

I knew that was going to be trouble. She filled up the blender, pressed the grind button, and concocted something green. "Here mommy, drink this."

I looked at it. "This is going to kill me," I said sniffing it. I took a sip. Yuck! "What is this stuff?"

"Spinach, carrots, ice, and vanilla yogurt."

Note to self - don't mix those ingredients!

Next creation: Honey bread. My daughter got some wheat bread, rolled it in a little ball and coated it with honey and parmesan cheese. Then she nuked it in the microwave, twice, for 40 seconds. "Here Mom, eat this," she said handing me a rock-hard ball on a plate.

"Are you serious?"


I took a little piece off. "Yuck!' I exclaimed. "This is awful!"

"Here," I said handing her a package of chocolate molten lava cake. "Make this."

She mixed and poured and did pretty well until she knocked the filled muffin pans on the floor.

"Ugh!" she cried looking at the chocolate lava which was now spread across the floor.

It definitely was not a good cooking day for her!

Friday, December 10, 2010

Dirty Dog

"This dog stinks!" I exclaimed as I got a whiff of our 12 week old German Shepherd puppy. "He needs a bath!"

My husband is the bath-giver for the dog. (Hey, I took care of the kids, so he gets to take care of the dog. Besides, there's no way I would want to deal with that squirming bundle of fur in a bathtub!) So he took the dog up to the bathtub. There was an awful lot of yelping and splashing and carrying on up there.

When he was done, the dog looked like an oversized drowned rat.

"Honey, go check out the bathroom," my husband said.

Did I really want to?

I went upstairs to take a peek. The tub was covered in dog hair. There was a black dirt ring at the water line, and there was hairy water all over the floors and walls. What a mess!

"Um, so who's cleaning up that mess?" I asked.

"You are!" my husband exclaimed.

"Not!" I said. "And when you're done cleaning up that mess, why don't you brush his teeth!"

Hee Hee.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Christmas Present

This evening I was wrapping Christmas presents. My son sat down next to me and decided to do a little gift wrapping too. First he had to create some presents. He went off and got some paper and sissors.

"Mommy, I'm going to make some paper snowflakes and wrap them up. I'm going to give them to a person I know whose name is Sherry."

"I see." I watched in amusement as he made the snowflakes and then proceeded to wrap them. He must've used at least a half a roll of Scotch tape doing it. When he was finished he had a nice little package completely covered in tape.

"Here Mommy, this is for you. Put it under the tree and just forget about it until Christmas."

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Christmas Decorating

We have a family tradition where each day in December, the kids peek inside the drawer of an advent calendar to find a piece of candy and a paper with an activity written on it. Today's activity was, "Decorate your room for Christmas." When the kids were younger, I used to take part in the activities. Now, for the most part, they are on their own. I had no idea what they might do.

I taught piano lessons, as usual. When I was finished, my nine-year-old daughter ran down the stairs shouting, "Mommy, you have to see my room!"

Uh oh.

I climbed the stairs and attempted to walk into her room. She had Christmas lights strung all around her room, taped to the walls. She had paper snowflakes taped to the walls. She found every Christmas stuffed animal she owned and covered her bed and the floor with them. It was quite a production.

Then my six-year-old son called me. "Mommy, check out my room!"

Christmas lights were strung across his bed, taped to the walls and the window. Paper snowflakes covered his door. He even found his Bart Simpson that sings an interesting rendition of Jingle Bells.

"Wow," I said, "You kids are certainly creative!"

Too bad they aren't as good at cleaning up their rooms!

Monday, December 6, 2010

Snow Boy

I've heard a lot of commentaries about how kids don't play outside much these days. That's not the case in my household. Maybe it's because I have a no-TV policy during the day. My kids are always outside. They are outside even when I don't want them outside. Take today for instance. It's a frigid seventeen degrees outside.

"Mommy, I want to go outside to play," my six- year-old son said.

"It's freezing out there."


"Dress warm!"

Out he went, all bundled up. He had a blast playing in his fort in the woods.

Forty-five minutes later he came back in the house.

"Mom, it's freezing out there!"

"No kidding, snow boy!"

I then made him a cup of hot cocoa, and he was soon toasty warm.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Power Point Expert

Before I start on this subject, let me first say that this is the first day that I feel semi-human (that is, of this week - not of my life). I think I'm getting better. The plague is lifting.

Okay. So today my daughter asked if she could go online to make a power point presentation.

I was flabbergasted. "What?" I said. "You're only nine years old!"

"We learned how to do it in school," she replied.

"Okay," I said. "Go for it."

She went to the computer, and within twenty minutes she had created an excellent power point presentation about puppies, complete with photos of our own puppy and music.

"How did you do that?" I asked, completely amazed. (I had never done a power point presentation.)

"You just click this icon, and this icon, and this icon, and that's it."

Oh. I am definitely still back in the Stone Age!

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Sick Mama Part 3

Will the saga ever end? So let me start with part two and a half. Last night, after I finished typing my last post, I had to take my daughter to the dance studio for a dress rehearsal (she couldn't miss that practice!). I walked in the studio and immediately saw one of my friends.

"Sherry, are you okay?"

"Um, no. I have a really bad cold or something."

"Are you taking anything?"


"That stuff doesn't work. Try this." She reached into her purse and pulled out a packet of Theraflu. (It's great to have friends who are walking medicine cabinets!)

I took the Theraflu when I got home. It did work better than Nyquil, but unfortunately the effect didn't last. The next morning (this morning) I was feeling pretty awful again. And guess what day it was? Performance day!

"Honey," I asked my husband, "Would you please take our daughter to her performance?"

He agreed. So my daughter got herself ready, and applied her makeup the best she could. The two made their way to the location of the performance.

Here was the news when they returned home: "Mom, I forgot my tap shoes."


"Yeah, I had to wear my teacher's shoes."

"Good thing you have big feet," I thought.

"And my teacher told me I was a mess. You know what I said?"


"When Mama's sick, everything's a mess!"

Ain't that the truth!

Friday, December 3, 2010

Sick Mama Part 2

Today I'm feeling worse than yesterday. I talked to my mom, and she said that she has the same thing. So, apparently, this is some kind of crud we picked up at the Children's Museum in Indianapolis.

Anyway, I decided to try to take a little nap. (You know I'm sick if I attempt to lay down in the middle of the afternoon!). Two seconds later:

"Mama, how do you spell, "Super Mario Propeller Hat Toys?"

You've got to be kidding me! I croaked out the letters while my son wrote them on a piece of paper.

"Mama, when you get better, can you mail this piece of paper to Macy's. I saw a commercial that said they can make anything you want. Isn't that nice?"


Two minutes later, I hear a commotion in the kitchen. (Oh, did I mention that the dog threw up today, and I had to clean that?). Now what?

A knock on my door. "Mama, I made you a snack so you can get better." My son brought in a plate of strawberries, blueberries, raspberries, and carrots.

"That's sweet," I said. "Now Mommy really needs to rest."

More commotion in the kitchen. A knock at my door. "Mama, I brought you some healthy juice." He placed the glass of Acai juice on the night stand.

"Thank you honey, now I really need to rest."

Two minutes later, "Mama, are you better yet?"


"I brought you some yogurt."


I guess he really wants that Super Mario Propeller Hat Toy.

(Then the dog started whining and that was the end of my "rest.")

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Sick Mama

Why do moms never get a break even when they're sick? I'm an absolute wreck. I don't know if it's a really bad cold or a touch of the flu. All I'd really like to do is stay in bed. But no.

"Mommy, the dog needs to go potty!"

"Can't you take him out?"

"No, I don't know how."

What can be so hard about opening the back door and walking out with the dog? I guess for a six-year-old that's a monumental task.

"Mommy, I'm hungry!"

"Can't you make yourself something to eat?"

"No, I don't know how."

Now that's a farse if I've heard one. That little guy is perfectly capable of raiding the pantry for a box of crackers. I've seen him do it!

"Mommy, you have to go to parent teacher conferences!"

Yeah, I did. So I dragged my sorry self to the school, looking like death run over and sounding like a hoarse frog. The teachers were probably wondering about me.

Now I really should go to bed instead of writing this blog post. But first a bit of Nyquil...

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

The Cat

Four months ago, a pathetically skinny brown tabby cat wandered into our yard. Now if it were you, would you turn this poor little creature away? Of course not. So we did what most kind-hearted people would do: we fed it.

Apparently it liked the restaurant because it's still here. We tried finding a home for him, but nobody wanted the poor cat. So today, I took him to the vet and got him neutered and vaccinated. I guess after spending $410.00 (and who knows how much for cat food), that officially makes him our cat. I sure hope he doesn't mind the snow!