Mama Diaries

Saturday, June 30, 2012

Cup Collector

My son likes to collect cups.  When we went to the orthodontist today, he took a cup from the sink.

"Bubba," I said.  "Those are for the people who are having work done on their teeth.  You're not having anything done today, so you shouldn't take one." (We were there for his sister.)

"But Mama, I like cups."

The nice worker there let him take the cup.

A little while later, we were at United Dairy Farmers, getting ice cream.  The boy spotted  styrofoam coffee cups.  Naturally, he took one.

"Bubba, what did I say about cups?"

He looked at me.  Then he looked at the cashier.  The cashier let him have the cup.

When we got home, he added them to his growing collection.

"Dude," I said.  "What are you going to do with those cups?"

He looked out the window.  A big storm was rolling in, and it was getting dark.  "I'm going to make a flashlight."

I watched him carve out the bottom of the small cup and place it into the larger cup. 

"Mama, do you have one of those tea-lights?"

I fetched him one of those.  He turned it on, and put it in between the two cups so it held in place.

"Ta dah! Do you like my flashlight?"

I sure did!  Then we sat by the light of his invention, and waited for the storm to pass.   

Friday, June 29, 2012

Ice Vest

It was a balmy 102 degrees here in Cincinnati.  I think you could literally fry an egg on the sidewalk. This didn't stop my intrepid son from playing out in the heat.

"Bubba," I said.  "Don't you think it's a little hot out there?"

"Yeah," he said.  "But I have a solution."

I couldn't wait to hear about this.  "What's your solution?"

"An ice vest."

"An ice vest?"

"Here, let me show you."  The boy took a few plastic bags and went to the freezer.  He scooped handfuls of ice from the ice maker and loaded up the bags.  Then he tied them together and somehow managed to make that thing look like a piece of clothing.  He put it on.  "Ta dah!"

Pretty impressive.  (Of course two minutes after going outside, he was covered in water, but at least he was cool.)

I have one little advertisement before I end this post.  My book, That Mama is a Grouch, is now available for iPad, and iPods (and whatever other iDevices are out there).  There's a pretty cool feature on it, where you can actually hear me read the story.  If you want to check it out, click this link 

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

I'm It. Again!

Guess what?  I was tagged again.  Yep, the eleven-question tagger got me again.  This time is was Melanie over at Mel:  The Positive Pessimist.  I love the name of that blog!  It must be a good trick to be a positive pessimist.  Be sure to visit Melanie's blog to find out how she does it.

Okay, so the real rules are that I'm supposed to share 11 things about myself.  Then I'm supposed to answer 11 questions, and then I'm supposed to tag 11 other bloggers.  But you know me.  I don't follow the rules.  I'm going to skip the first part, because I think you all know enough random facts about me, and if you read these questions I have to answer, you're going to learn even more (probably more than you want to know).  I'm also going to skip the tagging 11 bloggers, since I've been tagging a lot of you folks with stuff like this.  If you have a burning desire to do this, go ahead and tag yourself.  You can answer these questions and then make up your own.  Enough said.

Here we go:

1.Would you travel to outer space if you could? Why or why not? Absolutely!  I love exploring new things.  If that Virgin Atlantic space tour wasn't so expensive, I would've signed up long ago!

2.Are you as happy in your current relationship as you could be? What could make you happier? I am very happy.  I have a wonderful husband who is a good person, dependable, honest, and has a great sense of humor.  I couldn't ask for anything more. 

3.If you could have any animal as a pet (and the accommodations for this pet were included) what would it be? Oh man, I have way too many pets!  I don't want any more.  Please!  But I know my son would love to have a turtle.  Grandpa wants to get him one for his birthday, but daddy says no way!  

4.If you could find out the day you were going to die and how, would you want to know? No, I wouldn't want to know.  I'd end up spending the rest of my life worrying about it, counting down the days.

5.Would you rather jump out of an airplane with a parachute or jump off a cliff into deep water?
Jump out of an airplane with a parachute.  In fact, that's on my bucket list.  I would not want to jump off a cliff into deep water.  I'd be afraid of hitting some unseen rock and killing myself.

6.What event or events in your life helped build your belief system (religion)? Wow.  Now that's a deep question.  I was raised as a Christian, but I've always been one to question things and learn about other ways of thinking.  So, I have spent a lot of time studying other religions.  I have concluded, that while I believe in "God" and a life after this, I do not know the exact nature of God, nor do I know what will happen after I die.  I just live each day, the best I can, and hope that my being here helps make the world a better place.

7.What is your biggest regret in life? Would you change it or has it helped you become a better person? Another deep question!  I honestly don' t have any regrets.  Yes, I've made mistakes, but I don't regret making them.  I've learned from them, and I think they've made me a  better person.

8.What is your best quality that other people notice, remark on, obviously enjoy, or say defines you? Why is it so important to you and do you work on it or is it natural (examples: humor, sexiness, easy to talk to, verbally astute, etc.)?  To answer this legnthy question, let me tell you a story that happened just today.

"Mama, I wish we had my buddy's babysitter," my son said. 

"Oh yeah?" I asked.  "Why?"

"Because she's just like you."

"Huh?  What do you mean?"

"She plays the violin, and she has a good temper." 

Yeah, I have a good temper.  LOL!  What the boy was trying to say, was that I have an easy-going temperment.  Not too many things ruffle my feathers (except for Schultz).  I've been told that I have a lot of patience, and that I'm a good listener.  No, I don't work at these things.  It's just how I am.

9.If you could re-live one full day of your life, what day would it be and why?  Goodness.  One full day?  There are lots of moments I'd like to relive.  But I guess if I had to pick a day, it would have to be my wedding day.  I was surrounded by family and friends, and I married a wonderful man.

10.If you could visit with one deceased person (that you actually knew), who would it be and what would you talk about?  Another tough question.  I guess I'd talk to my grandfather who died a few years ago.  I'd ask him what it is like on the other side, and reminisce about when we were younger.

11.Would you rather debate religion or politics and why? Neither, thank you very much.  I try not to rock the boat.  But if I had to, I would go with politics, because one's views could be supported by facts.  I like dealing with facts.

How was that?  I'd say those were some pretty tough, thought-provoking questions.  Thanks Melanie, for sending them my way!   

Tuesday, June 26, 2012


"Mama," my seven-year-old son said. "Can  I have a bubble bath?"

"Sure," I said.  I didn't see any harm in that.

A little while later my son came out of the bathroom with a big grin on his face.

"Why are you smiling?" I asked.

"Oh nothing," he said.  "I just had a nice bubble bath."


My daughter went into the bathroom immediately after my son.  Two seconds later:  "Mom!!!"

Uh oh.

"There are bubbles all over the place in here, and there are no more bubbles in the bottle!"

"Bubba," I said.  "Did you dump the entire bottle into the bath water?"

He grinned sheepishly.  "Yeah."

All I could do is shake my head at that one.  I bet it was quite a bubble bath!

Monday, June 25, 2012


This is so ridiculous, I just don't know what else to call it.  So here's the story.  My dumb German Shepherd loves to run along our fence line, chasing our neighbor's Husky.  The neighbors got sick of their white dog coming inside with a dirty undercoat after these berserks, so they purchased a few rose bushes and planted them along the fence.  Their dog learned right away not to trample the rose bushes.  Roses have thorns, and thorns hurt.  Okay.  It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure that out.

My husband had the brilliant idea to get a few rose bushes of our own and plant them along the fence.  "It'll stop him from getting all muddy out there when it rains."

Yeah, right.

The plants sat in their pots for a couple of days.  I knew I had to be the one to plant them, or they would be staying there for a couple of years.  I got out the shovel and went to work.  It was 89 degrees, and the dirt was as hard as a rock.  (This was in the evening - the cool part of the day.)

There I was, sweating away.  Then my daughter let the dog out.  What was she thinking?  Duffus charged straight at me and my holes.  Dust went flying.

"Schultz!" I yelled.  "Get out of the way!"

He didn't listen.  He decided that digging holes looked like great fun.  So he started digging.  And digging. 

"Fine, dog.  You can help."

There we were, the beast and I, sweating and digging.

Then my husband came over.  "You should've put the holes a little further out."

"Do you want to dig?" I asked.

He walked away.

Finally, the holes were done.  I put the rose bushes in the the holes, just in time for the Husky to come out.  And guess what those dogs did?  Yep.  They went berserk along the fence line.  And guess what happened?  Schultz busted the rose bushes.  Branches snapped off.  Blooms fell to the ground.  Do you think Schultz cared?  Not one stinkin' bit!  He just kept running, bustin' up my newly-planted rose bushes.

"Schultz!" I hollared, completely furious.

And then guess what happened?

As I tried to get out of the way, I felt my shoe land on something soft.  Yep.  I stepped in dog poo! 

Arghh!  I'm going back on vacation!      

Sunday, June 24, 2012

That Mama Messed Up, AGAIN!

The problem with being a mom is that moms have to keep track of too many things.  If I don't look at the calendar at least four times every day,  I miss something. 

So today in my walnut-sized brain, I had this thought that it was family picture day. (I had been telling myself this bit of information all vacation, because I didn't want to forget .)  I woke everyone up nice and early.  "Get dressed.  It's picture day."

I heard lots of groaning and grumbling about that.

After everyone was dressed and ready,we hustled into the car and drove off.  I was quite pleased that we arrived at the studio on time.  As I walked into the studio, I had this vague feeling that something wasn't right.  I didn't know what it was.  Maybe it was the fact that there were two doggies in the studio getting ready to have their picture taken.  Or maybe it was the look the person behind the desk gave me when I walked in. 

"Can I help you?" the lady asked.

"Um, I think we have an appointment for our family picture today."

The lady looked at me like I had three heads.  "No, I don't think so.  Let me check the schedule." She asked for my name and then looked at her computer.  "I'm sorry.   Your appointment is next week.  Same time."

My husband and kids were not pleased.  "WOMAN!!!"


Saturday, June 23, 2012

A Fabulous Present

When I came home yesterday, I found this wonderful little surprise from Precy Larkins.  Isn't it just lovely?  Thanks, Precy!  Be sure to check out her blog.

I supposed to answer some questions, and then pass this thing on to five other bloggers.  So here goes:

Name five of your most fabulous moments, either in real life or in the blogosphere

1.  The day I got married.  I couldn't have asked for a more perfect day!

2.  The day each of my children were born.  It was so amazing to hold them and see what they looked like for the first time.

3.  Celebrating the New Years Eve 2000 in Bonaire.  What a cool place to be!  The fireworks over the ocean were amazing.

4.  First time performing as a soloist in Germany.  It was nerve wracking and exciting at the same time - a major andrenoline rush!

5.  First time SCUBA diving.  I did it in the Florida Keys, and it was just beautiful!

Name five things you love

1.  My family

2.  My pets.  Yes, I admit it, even Schultz.

3.   Playing and teaching the violin and viola.  It's my passion.

4.  Beautiful sunsets  (really, seeing anything beautiful in nature)

5.  Honesty

6.  The sound of the ocean.  (Okay, I know that's more than five, but how can I stop at just five when there are so many things I love?)

Name five things you hate

1.  Rude, disrespectful people

2.  Bullies

3.  Liars

4.  Sauerkraut  (Sorry, I know that doesn't go with the previous three, but I really do not like sauerkraut!) 

5Putrid body odor

Five other bloggers:

1.   Alexia

2.  Ella

3.  Daisy

4.  Jaycee

5.  Dawn

I hope you have the chance to visit these other fine bloggers.  Thanks, again Precy!

Friday, June 22, 2012

The Potion

I'm back.  Did you miss me?  Schultz did.  He went bonker bananas when I came home,  but that's another story.

Today's story involves a scientific experiment.   "Mama," my seven-year-old son said.  "I'm going to make an experiment."

Uh oh.  Those things are usually scary.  "What are are you going to do?" I asked.

"You'll see."  The boy grabbed an old Snapple bottle and filled it with water.  Then he went to the refrigerator and took out some milk.  And cool whip.  He added the milk and the cool whip to the bottle of water.  Then he went in the pantry and grabbed a bottle of honey.

"Are you trying to see how disgusting you can make that water?" I asked.

He grinned.  "No, Mama.  I'm going to see how yummy I can make this water."

I shook my head.  "You're not seriously going to drink that, are you?"

"Yes, Mama, I'm going to drink this."  He put the cap on the bottle and headed out the door.

"Wait," I said.  "Where are you going with that?"

"To the woods.  I don't want anyone to see me if my potion experiment doesn't work."

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Combat Dog

First of all, Happy Father's Day to all dads out there.  I hope you all enjoy your day!

Now let me tell you about the battle scene last night.  It was about midnight.  We let our giant German Shepherd out to do his business.  Little did we know that four raccoons had invaded our yard and were stealing food from the bird feeder.  Our ferocious beast attacked.  He charged at them, barking and growling.  You'd think that would scare them off.  But no.  They wanted to fight.  So fight they did. 

You should've heard the hissing and growling.  Wow!  Four nasty coons verses one large dog.  The battle ensued for several minutes.  Apparently Schultz won, because the furry bandits took off over the fence.  Schultz practically jumped over too, trying to chase them.  He was one mad dog!

Victorius, he pranced into the house. I don't know how he managed it, but he didn't even have one scratch. 

"Good boy, Schultz!"

We gave him a treat and sent him to bed.  It's so nice to know we have a capable guard dog living under our roof.  Note to all:  don't mess with Schultz!

Okay, one news announcement for regular followers:  I'll be stepping out of the office for a few days.  But I'll be back! 

Saturday, June 16, 2012

Bubba's First Job

Ladies and gentleman, my boy has a job.  Doing what?   You'd better sit for this.  Ridding the neighbor's yard of ... dog poop!  (No, it's not our dog's poop.)

Apparently, the neighbor was tired of cleaning up the stuff from his two dogs, so he asked Bubba if he'd be interested in doing it every week.

Bubba wasn't too sure about it until the guy told him he'd get paid.

"Sure," my boy said.  "I'll do it."  Anything for money.

I watched the little dude do his job with a big shovel and garbage bag.

When he was done, he came home with a big grin, showing me his wages. "Mama, look what I got," he said, holding up a dollar.

"A dollar?  That's all you got for scooping a bunch of poop?"

"Yeah, I got to set my wages."

Wow, that neighbor got a deal!   I would've charged a lot more for a job like that.

So now, once a week Bubba will do his job.  I'm sure that'll look nice on his resume:  Pooper Scooper. 

Friday, June 15, 2012

Fried Earwigs

"Mama," my seven-year-old son said.  "I ate some fried earwigs."

I did a double-take on that one.  "What did you say?  Fried earwigs?"


"You're talking earwigs, like the bugs, right?"

My son nodded his head.

"Okay, you better explain where you got fried earwigs."

"My buddy made them."

This is the same buddy who wanted to stick that frog in his pants. 

I shook my head.  "How exactly did he fry them?"

My son grinned.  "When his mom was making pizza, he snuck some on the tray."

Unbelievable.  I wonder if any ended up on the pizza.

My son won't be eating over there any time soon!   

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Shoe Lace Shredder

I bet you can't guess who the shoe lace shredder is.  You can?  Really?  Yes, it's Schultz, the German Shredder.

I suspected it might be him for a long time.  I used to have very nice shoe laces on my tennis shoes, but lately, they've been looking a little ragged.  I thought perhaps, they were just getting old.  But in the back of my mind, I knew it was the dog.  I discovered this little fact today as I went into the laundry room.

The beast likes to go into the dark, windowless laundry room to nap.  At least he pretends to nap.  He lays on the floor next to the shoe bin and closes his eyes when I'm looking.  When I go away, he does other things. Like chew on shoe laces. I snuck up on him today when he was in the middle of chewing.


I startled him, and he quickly let go of the lace.

"What do you think you're doing?"

He put his head on the ground and looked at me with his soulful brown eyes.

I picked up the slobbery shoe lace.  He had done quite a job on it.  "No more shoe laces, Dufuss!"  I grabbed his fresh bone and put it in front of his snoot.  "Chew on that."

He sniffed it and looked away.  Apparently shoe laces are better.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Freaky Sea Urchin

I took my kids to the pet store today to replenish pet supplies.  When I was ready to check out, the kids went over to a huge salt water tank.  They peered into the glass and oohed and ahhhed over the aquatic creatures.

Then they saw something strange.  "Mama," my daughter said.  "Come here and check this out."

"Hold on a minute.  Let me finish paying."

When I was done, I walked over to the tank.  "What do you want to show me?"

"That sea urchin has an eyeball."

Huh?  "I don't think sea urchins have eyeballs."

My son pointed to the creature.  "Yeah they do.  Look."

Sure enough, there was some kind of round eyeball thing on it.  And it looked like it was looking at me.  That was a little freaky, but I still didn't think that sea urchins had eyeballs. So I asked the worker.  "What's that bubble thing on the sea urchin?"

"An eyeball."

"Seriously?  Sea urchins have eyeballs?"

The guy nodded.  "It's used to see and excrete waste materials."

Okay.  That was way more than I needed to know. What a freaky creature! 

Did you know that sea urchins had eyeballs (that excrete waste material, too)?  

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Don't Look Up!

Today we loaded everybody into the SUV and headed to the park.  By everybody, I mean, my husband, my two kids, grandpa, myself, and Schultz, the big, goofy German Shepherd.  My husband and I were in the front, the kids and grandpa were in the next row, and Schultz was in the back.  He parked himself so that his ginormous head was just above my seven-year-old son's head.  He must've figured he could fit there.

So we drove along, listening to the panting dog in the back, when my son commented, "Is it raining?"

I looked at the sky.  "Um, no."

"But I'm getting wet!"

I looked back.  Sure enough, a big pink tongue was hanging out, just above my son's head.  "Dude, don't look up!"

"Why?"  he asked as he looked up.

A drip of slobber landed right on the boy's nose.  "Ewwww!  Schultz!"

That's why.  

Monday, June 11, 2012

Backstage Mayhem

Have you ever wondered what goes on backstage during musical productions?  A whole lot of chaos...that's what.  Let me tell you about it.

I volunteered to help with my daughter's dance recital, because I'm a "dance mom."  We dance moms are required to put in time to help with productions.  Let me just say,  this was no rinky dink production.  This is a big time dance studio with some incredible guest artists that come in to perform and do choreography.   It was my job to help the dancers change costumes, fix hair and makeup, and get them where they needed to be on time.

I was assigned to a group of dancers, and my official job title was, "The Runner."  Here's how it went:

"Mrs. Ellis, I can't find my ribbons and hairpiece."

"Okay," I frantically searched under an assortment of costumes that were lying on the table.  "Found it!" I announced, just as another girl came up to me, saying that her pony tail needed to be changed to a bun. 

I fixed her hair and got it done just in time for makeup check.  Lipstick, eyeliner, and blush had to be reapplied and perfect.  I checked the dancers and hustled them off to the backstage waiting area.  Another volunteer took it from there as another dancer ran off the stage for a costume change.  It was my job help her get ready.  So we literally ran to the changing area, got her into another fancy costume, checked hair and makeup, and then ran her to the back stage waiting area just as the previous number finished.

I corralled the exiting dancers back to their waiting rooms.

On and on it went.  Running back and forth, and listening to, "Mrs  Ellis, can you help me with this?" and "Mrs. Ellis, I need this."

Do you know how long each show was?  Two hours!  Do you know how many shows there were?  Five!  Do the math.  Ten hours of running!

Talk about exhausting!

Saturday, June 9, 2012

Watering the Dog

This evening, when I was watering my plants, a certain hairy beast came out to visit.  I like to keep this particular creature contained in the house when I water because he usually wreaks havoc on my plants.  Unfortunately, he escaped when my daughter opened the back door.  Yes, this creature is none other than my obnoxious German Shepherd, Schultz.

That dog charged out the door with a furious vengeance.

"Schultz!"  I yelled.  "Watch it!"

He didn't watch it.  He crashed into my hydrangeas, breaking yet more branches on the bushes and crushing the big snowball flowers.

"You know, Schultz," I said.  "You are destroying everything I worked so hard to plant."

He didn't care.  He just took off like a bullet and charged through more flowers.

I decided to take action against the beast.  I sprayed that dog with the hose.  "Take that, you troublemaking varmint!"

It didn't work quite the way I had planned.  That stupid dog liked it.  In fact, he opened his huge mouth to get a drink.  By the time he was done, he was soaked.  So was I.  Do you know why?  Because beasty boy decided to take a giant shake less than a foot away from me.  He plastered me with water and wet hair.

Ugh!  All I wanted to do was water my flowers, gosh darn it!

Friday, June 8, 2012

Frog Down the Shirt

"Mama," my seven-year-old son said.  "Check this out!"

I followed him through the woods to the fish tank where he keeps his "pet" frog.  His buddy was already at the tank.

My boy grabbed the frog and promptly deposited him down his shirt.

"Bubba," I said.  "What the heck?"  I watched a little lump make its way up my son's chest.   Then the lump became a frog peeking out from under the shirt.  I shook my head.  "Don't you think that's a little ridiculous?"

My son giggled. 

Then his buddy got involved in the act.  "I'm going to put him in my pants!"

"No.  You are not putting that frog down your pants," I said.  "What do you want to do, traumatize it?"

Poor little frog!   

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Misplaced Coral

I took my kids to the grocery store today.  That itself is usually an adventure, because we always end up with more than planned.  Anyway, we pushed our cart through the produce section, selecting fruits and vegetables.  As we did, my son noticed an unusual-looking product.

"Mama," he said.  "What's this coral doing here?"

"Coral?" I said.  "What are you talking about?"

"Yeah, look!"  He brought over a gnarled, coral-shaped object.

I examined it.  "Dude, that's ginger." I said.

"Ginger?"  He looked at me funny.  "But, it doesn't look like that stuff you sprinkle from a bottle."

"No," I said.  "This is fresh ginger root.  You can grate it to make the powder."

"I don't think so, Mama.  This is coral.  It belongs in the ocean."

(Hmmm.  Too bad it really wasn't coral - with an ocean.  A trip to the beach sounds kind of good right now! ) 

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Farm Animals

Today was adventure day.  During the summer, I take my kids to a new place every week - someplace we've never seen.  The destination du jour was Youngs Jersey Dairy Farm.  This place is about an hour and a half away from my house.  So needless to say, it was a long car ride, and my kids were getting a little antsy.

We arrived at the destination.  (Incredibly, I didn't get lost.)  We played a game of put put (yes, there was put put on the farm), slid down a huge slide on blankets, fed goats, sniffed stinky cows,  and then decided to head over to the little restaurant for some homemade ice cream (made, of course, from the resident cows' milk).  

By this time, my kids were a little slap-happy.  They were giggling and acting like obnoxious idiots. We ordered our ice cream.  My daughter and I ordered a Buckeye sundae, and my son ordered a banana split.  Lots of sugar - exactly what we needed, right?

My daughter decided to shove an over-sized buckeye in her mouth.  Chocolate dribbled down her chin.  And my son?  He decided to shove his entire face into his banana split to get an ice cream gottee ( a very nice one, by the way).

I looked at those kids and busted out laughing.  Unfortunately, I was in the middle of drinking my water.  Do you know what it's like to laugh with unswallowed water?  Well, let me tell you.  Unswallowed water ends up coming out your nose.  Which is exactly what happened to me.

Just then the waitress came over.  She took a look at us and laughed.  "You animals belong out there, on the farm!" 


Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Mister Professional

"Mama, are you a professional?"

I looked at my seven-year-old son as he shoveled his Dairy Queen meal into his mouth.  "Yes," I answered.  "I'm a professional musician."

"Oh," he said thoughtfully.  "I'm a professional, too."

"Really?  What are you a professional at?"


I surpressed a smile.  "Okay.  What else?" 

"Eating ice cream."

"Dude," I said.  "That's pretty cool, but those aren't real jobs."

"I'm also a professional turtle hunter, and a professional master mind."

"A professional master mind?" I asked.  "What's that?"

"I'll show you," he said holding up a napkin.  "See this napkin?"

"Um, yeah."

"I'm going to make it levitate."

He set the thing on the table.  Right on cue, the wind picked it up and carried it off (we were eating outside).

He grinned.  "See, Mama.  I'm a professional professional."    

Monday, June 4, 2012

Breakfast Thief

This morning I made omlets for my family.  I put them on the table and stepped out of the room for a minute to call everyone in for breakfast.

A certain somebody decided he was ready.  He didn't need to be called.  Who was this certain somebody, you ask?  None other than my trouble making German Shepherd, Schultz.

I heard a funny slurping, chomping noise, and I  knew he was up to something.  I found him with his front paws on my son's chair, wolfing down my son's omlet.

"Schultz!"  I yelled.

He got off of that chair and looked at me.  A piece of cheese was still hanging from his snoot.

"What do you think you're doing?"

He cocked his head.  The cheese cocked with it.

Just then my son entered the room.  "Mama, did Schultz eat my breakfast?"

I looked at the plate.  "Not all of it.  He left about half for you."

Unfortunately, that half was covered in dog slobber.  So, I sent the dog to doggy jail and made another omlet.    When is that dog going to learn he's not a person?

Sunday, June 3, 2012

Snake Funeral

"Mama!" my seven-year-old son said. "We found a dead diamond-back!" "Are you talking about a diamond-back rattle snake?" I asked. I was a little surprised, because I didn't think we had diamond-back rattle snakes in Cincinnati, Ohio. "Yeah!" I decided to investigate. I went out into the woods with my son, and he showed me the dead creature in the five-gallon bucket. It definitely was not a diamond-back rattle snake. "Dude," I said, looking at the disgusting thing that had flies zooming around it. "That's a garter snake." "Oh," he said. "But my friend said it was a diamond-back." "Your friend doesn't know what he's talking about. Now why don't you go ahead and bury this thing." I walked away. Then I heard a splash. "What was that?" I asked. "I buried it," my son said. "In the creek." Nice. (Of course my daughter scooped that thing out of the creek and gave it a proper burial, but no other snakes stopped by to hiss farewell. Such a pity!)

Friday, June 1, 2012

Walking the Boy

"Mama," my seven-year-old son said. "Can you take me for a walk?" I thought that was a strange request, but I agreed to do it, never bothering to look away from the mirror as I applied my makeup. The boy started giggling. "What?" I asked. I wondered if he was giggling about me putting on my makeup. That's when I looked at him. What do you think was around his neck? My dog's leash and collar. "What the heck are you doing?" I asked. "I want to go for a walk." "That's ridiculous," I said. "What do you think Schultz is going to think about you wearing his leash and collar?" My son grinned. "I don't know. Let's find out." He marched downstairs where Schultz was sitting by the front door. "Hi, Schultz!" Schultz cocked his head sideways and assessed the situation. Then he tried to grab the leash. Apparently he thought it would be great fun to take my son for a walk. I have a seriously messed up family!